#TwitterGrannyRampage

I’M sure that everyone is familiar with the Internet Tough Guy. The anonymity and detachment of human to human interaction that the cloud enables allows people to take on different personas and in some cases terrorize each other. I find it fun to play the knothead and to be terrorized right back.

I have not written a blog in quite awhile because I’ve had no time and even less inspiration. In the months that I’ve been using Twitter I had not been a ‘victim’ of an ITG but I had seen shit talking tweets and laughed. Today, that all changed. And the craziest thing about it is that I was getting harassed by a retired broadcaster who’s a grandma!

I like to riff on Twitter while I watch TV. This past Friday, I went directly from work to the movies with my son. We got home around 10 PM and he immediately passed out. My wife was out with friends and my daughter was having a sleepover at my mom’s house. I was alone flipping through the channels and I landed on Larry King interviewing Judge Judy. Two people together that I find extremely annoying, like a shitwolf Reese’s Cup; bad and worse together!

Back in the day I was a fan of Larry King’s interviews. But let’s be honest – once he started bathing in, and drinking human blood sometime in the late 90’s he fell the fuck off and has only gotten worse. Stammering, stuttering and talking over guests as they answer questions and appearing lost at times. Without the ability to interview – what’s left?

His imaginary childhood friendship with Sandy Koufax?

His accused grand larceny that he got out of only because of the statute of limitations ran out?

His convictions for writing bad checks that kept him off the air for three years?

This is only made worse when you have this stuttering, crazy eyed prick yammering over an unmensch like Judith Sheindlin whose self importance oozes from her thin, cruel lips and shiny soulless eyes as she answers questions about current events and high profile legal cases. It’s tantamount to asking Maury Povich to weigh in on current cosmological theories.

Who gives a shit?

Judy Sheindlin is a bore who uses her position and faux courtroom as a bully pulpit to belittle people. She seems to believe that she’s still a real jurist as she rules over coffee tables, trees that shouldn’t have been cut down and neighbors arguing over dog shit. She and the rest of the TV judges have done irrevocable harm to the US legal system and helped to foster the idea of getting rich from lawsuits with her simplified presentation of the American justice system. What do you expect with a show whose advertising consists of Peach Tree Groups “We buy structured settlements” commercials and Ambulance chasing attorney’s imploring you to “Get the money that you deserve!”

Disgusted, I wrote: ‘Larry King is such a dolt. Even worse that he’s ‘interviewing’ Judge Judy.’

Four days pass and I see a Retweeted response. For those not in the know, this is like a copy/paste that the RTer is sending out on the wire to their group of followers that includes my username so that it shows up in my client application’s queue.

‘RT “Larry King is such a dolt.” YOU are a twit. Larry King is a talented man who has made a fine contribution to broadcasting. #EK’

That final bit, #EK, is a hash tag that creates a searchable header. EK are her initials. The first sign that this broad has delusions of grandeur. Like anyone gives two shits about her Tweets – it’s fucking TWITTER and she’s not famous. The sheeple don’t care!

She immediately followed with:
‘To put things in perspective, Judge Judy Scheinlin is one of the brightest and most acerbic legal minds anywhere. Viewers love her.’

Let’s start with the last bit, ‘Viewers love her.’ How does that hold any water as a valuation of worth? My Dad used to use that argument on me in high school when I would bitch about how stupid the masses were to embrace shit like Milli Vanilli – “Well, people like it so it must be good.” Sure millions of people bought Milli Vanilli’s Blame It On The Rain album and promptly eschewed it after a lip sync track stuck at a live performance. Popularity is no measure of worth; the German’s loved Adolf Hitler for chrissake!

The brilliance of her legal career is also tenuous at best. She worked as a lawyer for a cosmetic firm and her tenure running the New York City family court included the Joel Steinberg case. You remember him, right? He illegally adopted a 6 year old girl and killed her and beat his common-law wife Hedda Nussbaum to the point that he severely disfigured her face.

I sure don’t recall any precedence setting legal briefs that she authored in Supreme Court cases either,

Within seconds another tweet in the thread.

‘What has your shorts in a knot? Are LK and JS too Jewish or New York-ishfor you? Too old? Why the namecalling? Who do you like? #EK’

Too Jewish? To New York-ish? Too old? Name calling? Again with the hash tag; this woman is a crazy narcissist and obviously has hang ups about being both old and Jewish. She also has the added personality flaw of being the type of person that projects their assumptions on anyone who doesn’t agree with them. These type of people usually think that they are way smarter and more interesting then they actually are and lack the ability to form decernable arguments.

I retort in a series of left, right verbal slaps. The first Tweet is not even mean.

‘L(arry) K(ing) made a fine contribution and those days are over. He’s boringand softball. #EKisAnInternetHardAss’

My second tweet stated everything that I mentioned about Judge Judy above in the 140 characters that Twitter allots.

The third was a bit dicky as I told her to ‘Go fight with your husband. I don’t think I can debate someone that finds merit in Larry the Liar and Judge Judy #BlahBlahBlah’

I take a look at her blog and quickly realize that I was right. This is a person that has serious self worth issues. Her latest blog entry attempts to ride the coattails of Larry King. She uses the cover of his latest book as the opening image, and then goes on to detail her ‘amazing’ life story. Her ONE date with him leads to her oft used quote: “I dated Larry King, but never married him. Of course, he never asked me!” Like that’s something to brag about? I think he married every woman that he ever went out with except for her.

She goes on to tell us about every tiny role that she’s played; from being the first First Mate on Popeye Playhouse (a sad looking rip-off of Mr. Rogers) on a Miami TV station to working in the production unit of the Tonight Show, “Mr. Parr, two lumps of sugar or one?”

It goes on and on and on. It’s no wonder her first husband divorced her. She makes Kate (from Jon Plus Eight) look like a nice person. And we get the same story further down, with scans of the same newspaper clippings. And you can read it again in her bio. This mixed in with movie reviews that I can’t even bother with – who needs a Star Trek review – who couldn’t tell that it wasn’t gonna be good from the trailer?

I drop back into Twitterific to find her response. It’s as mindless and uninformed as she is, asking what Larry lied about and telling me how Judge Judy says relevant things every day in open court. Like I said – this woman is a total nut ball. Judge Judy is presiding over a set – IT’S TV. IT’S NOT A REAL COURT ROOM. YOUR TV IS NOT A MAGIC WINDOW. Who doesn’t know about the Sandy Koufax incident and how Larry King refused to retract his statement that they were childhood friends and kept telling it even after Sandy came out and said “I have never meet Larry King.”

I respond with as much and point out that Larry King is not a Jew – he’s an atheist. So much for your Jew hater label, dummy. Mind you, this is a 70 year old woman fighting with me. On Twitter. Over a passing comment that I made nearly a week ago. And I’m fighting back.

Who’s the bigger idiot? I’m getting dumb with every passing moment.

She responded with two more Tweets. One asking if I think I’m “…the general of everything?” because I think Larry King’s over.

I send out a general Tweet:
‘My first Internet Tuff Guy on Twitter is a retired talk radio host who is a grandma fighting w/ me? WTF? #2012Quickening’ The hash reference to the supposed end days culminating with December 23, 2012 when the Mayan calendar runs out. Hinting that the world is truly upside down. Don’t get me started on that 2012 shit though.

Her response is lame: ‘Consider me as #EKisASmartToughGal. I eat conservatives like you for lunch! Get out the knife and fork!’ So she surly read my last blog and is one of those stupid ass, brainwashed liberals (there are conservativeve equivalents) that thinks if you’re not a liberal, than you must be a conservative. That there are only two choices. They cannot free their tiny minds and think that there is only a left/right paradigm. And sweetheart – 70 is like 55 years removed from gal-dom. You’re not smart or tough – YOUR PICKING FIGHTS OVER THE INTERNET ON FUCKING TWITTER!

My response is true: ‘I’m not a conservative dummy – more of an anarchist.’

It goes back and forth, in some tweets she’s insulting me, in others we’re carrying on pleasant conversations. Completely schizophrenic. She drops more names, telling me how Oprah interviewed her in the 80’s, and lettingme how she’s busy with world travel and liberal political pursuits. I guess I’m supposed to be impressed? I’m not. Then she does more ‘research’ on me via my blog and thus starts the beginning of the end.

‘Your blog is months old. You have no bio posted on Twitter either. I don’t know who you are and you are not a worthy opponent. #EK’

I have a professional life, dumbass, I’m not putting information about myself out there. And the only relevant people are well know and lay it all out there? She’s a star fucker too?! At 70? That’s terribly sad. What a pathetic and delusional person. I can only guess what sort of emotional damage she might have wrought on her kids. She mentions that her step kids don’t like her and I find that truly shocking – “NO MORE WIRE HANGERS!”

I’m sure her grand kids just roll their eyes as she name drops; “You know guys, before Oprah gave away buckets of chicken that really didn’t get given away, she was interviewing ME! Isn’t granny great? Granny swears – she says tit’s and ass! Granny’s cool! She was the first woman talkradio host on WXCABUMFUCK in Florida!” Her poor second husband. I imagine that he just turns his hearing aide off. I can only imagine that she has a beautiful, sultry voice from years of cigarettes.

She goes on, ‘The words just fall out of your mouth like spit, in a stream without meaning. You represent the “new, new” whatever that means. #EK’ She must’ve been a great talker – no flow to her invective – that’s the most eloquent disdain she can muster? You know her ratings we’re shit because she moved to ever smaller markets. No wonder she’s not on the air anymore; she’s no wordsmith.

As for the new New, this is a term that has been kicked around for a few months as a definition for the new normal that will follow in the wake of our high flying and spending times; what the average, everyday consumer will experience. It’s been discussed on NPR as well as Anderson Cooper. There is no expert in the new New, it is a speculative condition and a made up term. That a lot of talking heads use to pontificate on. Like sustainable urbanism – a term that a dildo made up and wrote a book about. He’s now an expert that tours and speaks. What the fuck is Sustainable Urbanism? I’m as much an expert as this ass is because I’ve been living a post consumer lifestyle for years. I used to be the odd man out with respect to retirement and savings; now the vast majority of people have fallen to my level and are slowly realizing that we’ll never be able to retire; everyone else is in the boat with me.

Funnier yet will be when this hack hears someone ‘reputable’ throw the term “the new New” around and appropriates it and uses it. I believe her to be that vapid.

What I respond with really pisses her off and it’s not even that bad. She just sought an out because she can’t fuck with me and is not pissing me off. I’m unbaitable so please don’t try and bait me.

‘We can’t debate – you’re too old; out of touch. You don’t know what the New New is and you’re a ‘liberal’? That’s funny.’

She responds with ‘PLEASE you sexist and ageist piece of feces! BLOCK ME and I will do the same. Goodbye and good luck #EllenKimball in Portland, OR’

I will up the stakes: if you pull a knife on me, I’m gonna drop a tactical nuclear weapon on you. It’s not that I go looking for people’s Achille’s Heel – people tend to bare it like their neck to a vampire. I pay attention and if you want to go toe-to-toe with me, I’ll “bum rush your set and crush your cipher.” She is clearly the type of person that looks for boogie men in every shadow. So I’ll be your boogie man. You expose too much and don’t even realize it because you’re so full of yourself. Just having a big mouth and the ability to talk over people doesn’t make you smart. It just makes you loud, as well as annoying. And lets be honest here, me saying that you’re old and out of touch is not that big a deal. There are old hip people and you’re not one of them. Sorry, but it’s true. You’re exactly like the dummy union member that votes for whoever the union mail tells them to vote for; the stupid pro-lifer, that instead of doing something with and for the unwanted kids, ties up traffic with a giant picture of a dead fetus. the church person that looks on with disdane at people not dressed up on Sunday because they didn’t go to church. You’re an A1 asshole devoid of original thoughts and humility. And yes, I wrote this directly to you, Ellen, because you’re such an over the top narcissist that I know you’ll read this blog.

I love where she calls me a sexist. I guess it’s because I won’t kiss her ass and argue over the same tired points that republicrats do adnausium. Maybe I’m sexist because I don’t like Judge Judy? In Ellen’s mindless world I’m surly also a racist because I don’t like President Obama. With that simplistic logic, what does that make her for not supporting Sarah Palin?

On Twitter search:

> #EK

> @rondmc

> @Radio_Lady

http://ellenkimball.blogspot.com/