BITS, crap, offal, pieces, waste, shit, kibbles, turds, poop, feces.

December 16, 2008

SOMETIMES the bad timing! I went with a co-worker to his friends’ apartment this past Friday; friends that I had never meet. The previous hour I had consumed quite a few Corsendonks and about eight wings of varying heat. Our hosts pass out a variety of Sam Adams (ugh) and I kick back a slug. I kick back another and another and as I am about to seat myself in a nice leather couch from the Freight Liquidates school, I am over come with the urge. I start to run scenarios.

YOU never know what to expect from a bathroom that you have never used. The general condition of the public areas is no indication of the facilities. It may be an apartment with three dudes; a girlfriend that spends the night will maintain a clean the shitter. A murder of bachelors with zero chance of getting laid mean terrible aim and shedding. I hate ‘sticky’ sensations like maple syrup so when the ‘caramel’ is human I cringe, the hair stands up on the back of my neck.

I quickly theorize that what we have here is a ‘renaissance’ man. Several Nivia for men products all geometrically arranged on the sink. The toilet clean, I am relieved but then I catch something out of the corner of my eye – hand soap.

I will not describe the movement as I do not believe that I have one German reader; The first thing that I notice when entering the living room is that, dude has his eyebrows tweezed.

THE largest turd I ever saw was at work last year. Going to the water machine I see four guys from various floors upstairs rushing into the restroom on my floor. I ask an African American chap that I know from the smokers patio –
“What’s going on?”

He responds –
“Dude, the world’s largest turd is in there”

If people are compelled to take picture phones to get the evidence for an interoffice bet, the comedy intrinsic in this event is enough for me. There are even more men in the restroom as I enter with the other rubbernecks. I imagine a scene similar to Paris in August of 1997, the photographers standing on top of their subject but leaning back to get the perspective just right. I poke my head in with another guy and this thing is insane – it was the diameter of a two liter bottle! It almost looks like concrete. Having saw this scene I leave. The amount of guys, additional ones with phone in hand are approaching, probably eight deep, one looking at me and asking; “Is it true?”

I had the smallest details of this thing burned into my mental. Writing about it now, I can remember the smooth texture and cement surface apperance.

I go back to my desk and describe what I had just seen, indifferent to the fact that some did not want to hear it. I assured these non-believers in to understanding that what I had just witnessed was more insane than the most insane shit sighting to date. This was the only reason I was telling them, because it had to be told and they really should see it because I don’t think I will ever see a turd like that again. It was alien and insanely big. A bondage enthusiast came to me and jokingly suggested it was just the aftermath of fisting. I suspect that it was not a gay man’s feces as was suggested by one fellow who was really pissed that I was talking about it but eventually agreed to looking at a camera phone picture – on a female co-workers phone. It defied flushing. I confirmed this when I was told that several people had tried to flush it, but it didn’t move. I had to see that for myself. People called it Goliath. A piece of shit with a name.

I wondered what implement the cleaning crew used to dismantle Goliath. Would it be a coat hanger? A ruler perhaps? In the end the only thing left were several pictures that did not enable the viewer to discern because of the propensity for camera phones with their limited focal lengths to distort an image. In person, I thought it might start growling.

IT was gone the next day.

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