Handicapped tuff guys: now I really have seen everything.

December 16, 2008

TUFF guys are all around us. Some are legit – they will kick the shit out of most comers. but what’s the deal when the tuff guy is partially handicapped? Today I witnessed a potential altercation at the gas station between two individuals and one party was visibly deformed.

AS gas seems to be getting cheaper every day in south suburban Pittsburgh, the gas stations are teaming with activity as people expect the downward trend to reverse any day. Gas was cheaper today than it has been in a long time at the local station where I always fill up. My filler pipe is on the passenger side, so I really don’t have to finagle my way around the pumps and jockey for position, I just rolled right the fuck up, hopped out, and began filling up. In the lane opposite me, an H2 was waiting to fill up so it was pointed in the opposite direction waiting for a rude fuck who left their windowless delivery van at the pump and went into the store.

A car rolls up in the opposite end of the same lane as the waiting H2 and the van. It was an older Cavalier, and the reason I noticed it was because the driver was complete shit – he/she was slamming on the breaks every few feet and it had the worst accessories ever – plastic Wal*Mart spinning rims; the right rear spinner broke so it kinda just hung there.

The driver of the van finally emerged from the store. He jumped in and pulled forward and slowly began making his way around the purple Crapalier. Simultaneously the H2 pulled into the once occupied spot. The driver emerged chattering away on the cell phone connected to ear. As the back of the van cleared the front of the purple beast, the driver jerked his way toward the location now occupied by the Hummer.

AS I stand there looking on and thinking to myself, “This fucker has to be drunk”, the door of the Cav flings open and the driver struggles to get outfinally making his way out of the car, it is all that I can do to not laugh out loud. A white dude, about 26 years old in a FUBU matching basketball uniform stands up and sorta limps and drags his left leg along to occupy a position in front of the Hummer.

“Wut the fuck!” he slurs, his left eye droopy and his left arm much smaller than the right; atrophied and thin like a branch twisted up into his chest.

“That was my fucking spot in the line that you took mutha fucka!” His slurring more pronounced and spit dripping from the side of his droopy left lip.

The Hummer pilot looks in horror – not out of fear of confrontation, but of the fear that other people would think that he took advantage of someone who was obviously a loser in the game of life in more ways than one.

“Sup mutha fucka! You wanna fuck with me?!”

At this, Capt. Hummer steps forward and Rocky Denis is surprised that his attempt of intimidation did not work Capt. Hummer calmly says,

“I saw you pull up, hell, everyone saw you pull up because you almost hit a few cars as you did! Why don’t you just get back in your car and I’ll make sure that you get this pump as soon as I’m done?!”

I quickly surveyed the crowd and it is obvious that the majority opinion is that Gimp MC needed to shut the fuck up and get in his car.

I kind of snickered and he looked at me as he was dragging the left side of his body back to his car.

He turned to me – his right eye narrowing, the other just droopy and not changing, “What the fuck are you looking at?!” in his semi slur.

“What – You Want SOME OF ME!?” I replied in the most retarded, slurring manner that I could. And with that, he turned away, struggled back into his car, turned up his stereo and sat there looking straight ahead.

IN retrospect, I might have been a heartless dick, but I did illicit laughs and in all honesty, this fucking specimen deserved it. The plastic, broken spinner; the fact that he was a white guy rocking a FUBU coordinated basketball suit and that he was seriously handicapped and probably unable to even play basketball in the context of a video game and the fucking attitude! It’s not my fault that someone pissed in your gene pool, so don’t get in my ass. I realize that this cat probably never gets laid, but I’m sure he is not trying hard enough – there are group homes with retarded chicks all over south western PA that he could pull. He also needs to look at the few positives: he gets the best parking with the handicap hang tag and he gets a free scooter at most retail locations.

Handicapped tuff guys: now I really have seen everything.

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