Your job is greasy like an R&B record

December 16, 2008

Some jobs are just to greasy; I’m not talking fry cooks and fast food – I’m talking about professions that are filled with crocks and liars.

The first career that comes to mind is attorney. I know a couple of attorneys that are not scum bags but they deal in corporate and real estate law. The majority are ambulance chasers. The Pittsburgh region has a famous ambulance chasing attorney whose name is J. Edgar Snyder. He is so noble and cares so much about his clients that he doesn’t “get paid unless you, get paid”. Hell, he is such a great guy that he only takes about 40% of the settlement. Now, I could see where investigation and evidence gathering may cost some serious money. But this scum fuck takes the same percentage if you settle out. I’m sure you’ve seen the commercials where they have actors and attorney’s playing lawyers and litigants. These seem to pepper day time, talk show tv, along with the adds for career schools (another fucking scam). The tone of these adds is simple – sue. Your baby has Cerebral Palsy ? SUE! You have been in a car accident? SUE! You want to sit on your big, fat, lazy ass and live off of disability and SSI? SUE! 

TANGENT: The last reason drives me completely crazy. I’m so tired of everyone being depressed and ‘mentally ill’. In 20 years we went from the laughable “Just Say No to Drugs” to the schools putting every kid on them. I tend to not believe that ADD and similar ‘conditions’ exist. Where is the proof? I think that this is a mental state caused by the hyper-rich media (mediums not news) that society is bathed in. Think about it, it is pretty common these days for people to have tv screen, GPS screens and video games in their cars; not to mention how everyone, and you see a ton of kids these days, is wired with phones that are cameras/music receivers/video players/etc. But back to the point of the first sentence. Stop being lazy. EVERYONE is depressed. Modern life is unfulfilling because soulless technological gadgets fill our lives. We have no spirituality – that’s why people are so into tattoos and body modification. Not to mention that if you want to eat, you don’t have to get your hands dirty killing an animal or gathering vegetables. Stop with the Paxil and Zoloft and periodically drown your demons in a whiskey bottle. Old school motherfuckers

BACK TO GREASY JOBS: In most cases, lawsuits never make it through the system. They are settled out of court even if there is no evidence to support the claim – just because it is cheaper. Ours is a system based on precedence. If the precedence is based on conjecture and untruth, then our reality is based on the same. Look no further than child birth. The C-section is accepted as the way to give birth by most expecting mothers. This is a serious surgical procedure that can seriously harm the mother. But no matter – we can thank the attorneys for that. If truth is lost and reality is subject, than is crazy to think that one day people will actually believe that disease can be cured by adjusting your limbs and spinewait people already do believe in such nonsense: enter chiropractic.

Now attorneys make their own realities in the universe that is ‘Law’, the same way that some 14 year-old acne bearded kids did in their basements as the dungeon masters back in 82. But chiropractic is based on a straight lie. 

Chiropractic manipulation was believed by the early practitioners to cure diseases like cancer. The scary thing is that a 10 year old University of Saskatchewan survey of Canadian chiropractors found that the majority still believe that that most diseases are caused by spinal misalignment! The cornerstone of this pseudo science holds that ‘subluxations’ are responsible for pain and disease. Well, I would give you a definition of subluxation; unfortunately there are several and the last one put forth is so vague in description that literally anything could be classified as a subluxation. We can thank the these early snake oil salesman for one thing – the modern x-ray machine. They were early advocates of this technology because they used it to search for these mysterious subluxations. But to no ones surprise, they could not see them. Why? BECAUSE THEY DON’T EXIST!

When chiropractic methods are tested using an evidence based medicine framework, there is no evidence to support that chiropractic has any effect on migraines, lower back pain or a host of other ailments that they claim to cure.

I wonder if those early adherents took back there x-ray machines? It was obvious that they were malfunctioning because they couldn’t see the subluxations. (this is a Heaven’s Gate reference but I’m sure you picked up on that already)

There is plenty of history to back up the medical art of dentistry, but I am convinced that they are all thieves that practice insurance fraud. Why do I think this? Because I can not find a dentist that will provide a rate for a procedure. I always get, 
“Who’s your (insurance) carrier?” 
“What percent do they cover?”
Can’t they just tell me how much the procedure will cost? No. Because they will inflate the rate charged and try to rip off the insurance company as well as try to get me to pay a higher rate. I get the strange feeling when I deal with these crooks – it is like trying to get a price for a transmission repair from a random garage – shady.

This next one is technically not a profession, and for the record some of these individuals are genuinely concerned with helping the community. But, a lot of these fucking guys are jug heads of the tenth degree. I know that the guy in front of me is a total dickweed when he ordered the fire engine red Chevy truck. Take notice of the red lights mounted on the roof and the ‘Calvin pissing on fire’ sticker in the back window. 9-11 was bad for the obvious reasons – loss of life, wars in the wake, but we cannot forget how every rum-dum, backwater, volunteer fireman automatically made the logical leap and deduced that they were heros like the FDNY members that lost their lives that fateful day. Shitlock – you put out garbage fires! You put out abandon houses that in some instances, you or your cronies set – YOU ARE NOT HEROS! YOU HAVE NOT EARNED IT!

I think back to a volunteer fireman that I worked with at a parking garage in the city of Pittsburgh when I was between colleges in the early 90’s. He was an early sign of things to come. He would use first responder slang all of the time – forget about it if a civil servant in uniform came around; he had to tell all of his war stories. They never seemed to care much unless they were faux-civil servants (CUNTstables, etc).

He would only do part-time hours because he had to be ‘on call’ (he didn’t own a car which made it even that much more outlandish and ridiculous).The third time we worked together as valets, his old ass, handheld scanner went off. It made this crazy, obscene sound. He hushed me, the door man and a customer who were shooting the shit. 

“Dude, I have to go!”
“Dude,” I said, “ have only been on shift for an hour. You better check with the manager.”
” No time for that -there’s a Code three over on Smithfield street! I have to go NOW!”

And with that, he ran over the hill. I did not bother to inform the management. About 45 minutes later, a manager came up and hung out. When it was clear that Fireman was not around. He asked what was up. 

“Code Three on Smithfield street. He said he had to go.” 
The manager didn’t question this because he knew what kind of idiot we were dealing with.

After about an hour and a half, he showed up; his sweet drenched shirt transparent, his collar wet and dirty.

“So what happened? Were there any injuries?

“No,” he said in a dismissive, sarcastic tone. “It was a Code THREE!”
Blank stare on my part

“Just a fire alarm that went off.”

He was gone within two weeks. Sorry Mr. MENSA, sorry I don’t know what the fire codes are. Wait, don’t get me started on MENSA members


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