BACK in the 90’s a trend exploded where women started collecting miniature shoes. They were scaled quarter sized replicas of high heels and flats. Most that I saw appeared to be injection molded. They were sold along with tiered display shelves and seemed just the right thing for a stay-at-home wife to waste her husband’s money on.

At the time I remember thinking, “Why in the fuck do you want a replica shoe; why not just buy an actual pair of shoes and wear them?” It just made no goddamned sense to me.

Soon, they started appearing in dollar stores as grotesque and poorly executed caricatures of the original miniature shoes. Sound famiar?

As the Internet was in its AOL infancy, I don’t think there was a big collector market and so assume at some point these things got boxed up and put in the attic next to the glass blown French poodle vases and giant wooden forks and spoons.

Miniature furniture soon followed. And to be honest, this made a bit more sense to me as these were icons of mid-century modern designs; like the Eames lounge and Noguchi coffee table in 1/3 scale. At least these were specific, identifiable things. Are there really iconic shoes?

ENTER 2013 and the brilliant minds at Invicta Watch Company and their soon to launch line of miniature watches:

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Yep.

Miniature watches.

The model that they are based on is the “Venom” which has a bunch of snake cues. I’m sure these will look bitchin’ staged next to the “pure oriental” Ninja sword sets of a Katana, Wakizashi and Tanto that Watchgeeks long ago bought from the late night, infomercial-as-homeshopping channel Frost Cutlery dicks.

But these may be purely functional for some. Seeing that so many Invicta fans have such chunky wrists, they seem to weigh in well over 400 lbs. These would be perfect rings on such a ham hand. If they are going to have to cut the wall out of your bedroom to get you to the hospital, you should be swagged out.

These would also be a great first watch for an infant. One would look hard as hell on a chubby newborns wrist; complemented by an Italian horn charm necklace. And how goddamned cute would it be if daddy and baby had matching Venoms?

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IN a marketing move that seems to have fallen flat, the Invicta Watch Company created a rig with cameras to be slung under a weather ballon and launched it. The result: they could have achieved the same result at the local, Hollywood Florida Olan Mills.

I’m not sure exactly what the expectation was other than attempting, all be it way too belatedly, to ride the coat tails of the Felix Baumgartner record breaking jump that occurred back in October.

Details are lacking on the Invicta news page which is interesting because one would think Invicta would be milking this for all that it’s worth, I mean as much as sending watches up on a weather ballon can be milked. Of the 36 timepieces sent up, only pictures of three have been released by Eyal Lalo. Might the others be suffering from failing movements? Might hands be falling off on the edge of space as they appear to do here on Earth? Surely if the images and the high speed video that is promised do not show up, the conspiracy theories will follow.

One suspects that these timepieces will probably be sold at a premium with an official certificate of authenticity that they have been on the edge of space, along with t-shirts and other products.

The public is speaking and not very favorably:

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BETTERSKILLS combs the Net for information and does find it in really unusual places. So it was quite a moment when I managed to find this latest revelation of Invicta’s questionable marketing on the propaganda site that the watch company finances, watchgeeks.net.

The latest revelation comes from a WG member who purchased the turquoise watch “a few months ago.” It was presented as having a “genuine turquoise dial.” But yesterday, Michael “Fuckin” Davis was presenting the same watch on ShopNBC and fawning over the dial.

So what the hell is Howlite?

It’s a silicate mineral often used to replicate turquoise. In nature, the mineral color is white or grey with dark stripes and a porous structure that allows it to accept dyes uncommonly well. This leads to some dealers pawning it off as real turquoise, which raises the price considerably with some claiming that even jewelers have difficulty telling the two minerals apart. The Mohs scale rating of Howlite is half that of Turquoise typical hardness of five to six meaning that it can easily crumble and fracture.

SO it was first sold as Turquoise, months later as Howlite and on Amazon as Turquoise: “Textured accents and a bold dial give the Invicta Men’s Collection Stainless Steel Turquoise Stone Dial Watch eye-catching style in an easy-to-read design.” Obviously, the original poster feels cheated, and why wouldn’t he? This isn’t the first time that Invicta has been caught making questionable claims regarding a material or origin of a watch; look at just the scandals this year alone.

As expected, one of the Yellow Shirts jumped into the thread with the now worn out refrain of “There’s just not enough time in a day to be worrying about a thing like that.” and “Buy the watch for cheap, and enjoy how it LOOKS.” Personally, I’ve never understood how anyone could seriously accept this logic. How big of a vapid, mindless moron follower yearning for acceptance do you have to be to get screwed and smile, asking for more?

Would you take that stance with a car? A house?

I bet Invicta Watch Company cannot wait for this year of failure and revelation to end. I can’t wait to see what raspberries are in store for next year!

Switzerland’s watch exports increased in August from the previous year, a report by the Federation of the Swiss Watch Industry FH showed on Tuesday.

Export value of Swiss watches surged 24.1% in August from the previous year, to attain a level of CHF 1.07 billion. At the same time, wrist watches exports grew 25.9%, while other products exports climbed 4%.

In the January to August period, watch exports increased 20.1% compared to the same period of the previous year.

Developments among the Swiss watch industry’s main markets were varied. Hong Kong recorded another very strong performance with 18.7% annual growth and the U.S. showed an increase of 9.8%. The value of sales to Singapore showed one of the strongest upward variations of all and exports to China grew by 7%.

Source: http://www.rttnews.com/Content/AllEconomicNews.aspx?Node=B2&Id=1424015

WHENEVER ShopNBC’s Jim Skelton is hawking the downright ugly ‘Russian Diver’ by Invicta, he always alludes to “that famous actor / body builder who happens to be a governor” selecting this particular piece in light of his ability to afford any watch out there. Other Invicta staffers,including CEO Eyal Lalo have allude to this as well, leaving the uninformed viewer to infer that The Governator actually went out and bought an Invicta to add to his collection of eponymous Audemars Piguet Royal Oak Offshore Arnold’s All-Stars Chronograph models.

But the truth is that Schwarzenegger, who famously appeared on the cover of a magazine wearing his Invicta ‘Russian’ Diver, received it as a gift. A gift, that because of California law’s limits of gifts to $390, he had to pay the difference for.

Last February, the governor received the retail valued $1600 Russian Diver from Lalo. He then reimbursed Lalo $1210.

Yes, technically he did pay for it. But how classy would it be for a Governor to return a ‘gift’?

One of these days I’ll tell the dubious provenance of the Invicta ‘Russian Diver’.

Like a Reese Cup of feces, The Guy Fieri of homeshopping tv provided a sneak peak of Ed Hardy watches on ShopNBC last night. This begs the question: what the hell are the buyers thinking?

To listen to Babe the Blue Skelton, you’d think that Ed Hardy is the height of fashion and in demand. Which flys in the face of reality – just take a walk around your local TJ Maxx and see the racks upon racks of unsold wack.

The only person I ever see wearing this shit is Jon Gosslin and I’d hardly consider him the arbiter of cool.

The watches are as awful as the t-shirts, hoodies, remote control helicopters, dildos, tampons and hand sanitizer. They exude cheapness which is evident when you examine them in the jewelry case at TJ Maxx where they are priced between $50.00 and $99.00. Compare this to the SNBC prices well north of $100.

This sales move is faintly reminiscent of ShopNBCs attempt at selling Seiko a few dollars less than retail. I can remember Babe fondling the legendary Orange Monster for nearly twice what they were going for on the sales forum of any given messageboard.

Seiko had a handful of dedicated shows and I cannot tell you the last time I remember seeing any Seiko product for sale. One can only hope that Ed Hardy watches are around for even a shorter amount of time.

I do admit that Skelton selling this crap is a perfect fit. He’s a cornball and I could see him wearing these horrible designs. That’s synergy!